The Party

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

The Party
Since this is a new society, new social laws apply. In the Olde Worlde style party, the rules of etiquette were set down rigidly. In the New World style party, there are no rules whatsoever. Everyone is free and spontaneous. However, several customs have inevitably developed over the years, and they were worth mentioning.

  If you throw a party, under no circumstances are you to introduce guests to each other. The idea is to let people wander round aimlessly, feeling left out.

  You must never have enough food to go round as shortage of food is often equated with sophistication.

  If you're a guest, and you brought along a bottle of scotch or champagne, make sure you point out to everyone what a fine label it is, but do not share it with anybody.

  Ascertain that the house is furnished with wall-to-wall-shag, then ash your cigarette on the carpet. On the other hand, if the party happens to be held outdoors, be careful to ash into someone's half-empty beer can.

  Never invite an equal number of men and women. The aim is to keep up an artificial shortage so that after midnight, the boys can end up dancing with the boys.

  Do not go around trying to express ideas or have an intelligent conversation. If you do end up on a huddle with someone, be careful to talk only of things you know nothing about.

  (There are several topics that must never be mentioned at parties: real feelings, true beliefs, actual voting habits, personal habits, or any habits, histories of mental illness, your income, your parents' income, the other persons income, and anything not in the newspapers or on television.)

  Make sure that you leave the party so drunk that you can't remember where you parked the car. Walk about the suburbs till dawn, singing songs from beer commercials.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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