Tea Rituals

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Tea Rituals
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For generations, the Japanese have been allowed to get away with the notion that theirs is the most advanced tea-making ceremony in the world. While no one disputes nipponese sophistication, it must be pointed out that the improvements wrought by Australians to the rituals of tea-making have put this country in the forefront of the world's traditionalists.

  Essential to this antipodean tea ceremony is the concept of time. The tea maker's aim is to put off the actual completion and serving of tea-proper for as long as possible.

  For this purpose, the tea ritual proper begins long after the arrival of guests - especially if the guests were unexpected. In fact, its precise starting moment comes when the host begins to make vicious eyes at his wife, in response to which she reluctantly asks if anyone is thirsty.

  "Tea would be nice," the parched guests mumble with swollen tongues.

  Having finished her cigarette, the hostess jumps up, exclaims "Tea it is then!" and disappears into the kitchen, where she lights another cigarette.

  After wiping down the sink, she fills the kettle to the very top with water, and re-emerges into the loungeroom, where she interrupts everybody by standing in the doorway and announcing in a cheerful voice: "Water's on".

  There's a stunned silence. The hostess puffs with deep satisfaction, casting her husband murderous glances. (Legs on the coffee table, he reclines in complete immobility.) After the screeching of the kettle, she stubs out her cigarette and departs once more.

  She looks for the sugar jar and picks out the hardened bits. She then puts some tea-leaves into the teapot but decides that tea-bags would be easier, so empties the unused tea-leaves into the sink.

  Grabbing the carton of milk from the fridge, she carries it with the sugar bowl into the loungeroom, where she says, interrupting again, "Won't be long".

  Back in the kitchen, she tries to match four cups and saucers, which she then transports into the loungeroom, saying, "Oh, I forgot the spoons".

  Tea is now almost ready to be served. It is just that the water has to be re-boiled, as twenty minutes have elapsed since she switched off the kettle.

  Keeping an eye on the water, she lights another cigarette. "Be with you in a sec!" she calls out to her guests as she finally pours the boiling water into the teapot.

  Her entrance is greeted with gasps of delight.
  "Ah, I'm looking forward to this!" says one.
  "Nothing like a quick cuppa", says the other, without any irony at all.

  Pleased, the hostess invites everyone to help themselves to tea, remarking with another murderous glance at the husband who still hasn't moved an inch:
  "Sorry, we don't have any biscuits, but Bruce ate them all last night."

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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