Talking Opposites

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Talking Opposites
Talking to the opposite sex is a simple procedure once you've set aside certain preconceived ideas of how the conversation ought to take place.

Man to Woman

In Australia when a man is talking to a woman he has to remember that his conversation must allow the woman to contradict every sentence he makes.
  "It looks like rain," says the male as an opener.
  "No, it doesn't," replies the female spontaneously.

  Here he may be tempted to answer: "Well, the weather forecaster said it would definitely rain this afternoon, plus there are these huge nebulous clouds above us, plus I can see people on the other side of the road opening their umbrellas."

  This kind of reply would have the female backing away. So to be successful the male would have to say instead: "Yeah, those weather forecasters are often wrong."
  To which she will reply: "I heard for a fact they're right some 87% percent of the time."

  He may be inclined to point out the fact that the forecaster said it looked like rain based on the weather forecast last night, but this would only result in the female becoming very irritable and nervous about his aggressive attitude towards her. It's better therefore to say: "I don't know what we did before statistics."

  So that she can have the opportunity of saying: "There's something wrong with people who can't trust their own intuition. I hate all this dependency on numbers, it makes us inhuman."

  It would be fatal now to point out that she is contradicting herself with every statement. It's advisable to be positive about the conversation instead and say something like: "Yeah, that's what I hated about Unreconstructed Robots From Hell."   To which she can retort: "I loved that movie." So that now he can jump in and announce: "The sequel is on but I don't think I could sit through it."   Which gives her the perfect opportunity to declare: "I wouldn't mind going to see it."

  With a little bit of practice it should all become very easy, keeping in mind that when a female contradicts whatever the male is saying, she is not being difficult, she is simply showing her concern and care for him. She is saying those things in order to help him and broaden his horizons.

  Hence the female partner must be given plenty of chances to disagree with the male. Overly well-brought up, sensitive or vain men who phrase their thoughts in such a way that they become hard to disagree with, are no fun at all and can expect to see themselves either passing into old age on their own or carrying the shopping somewhere in the Philippines.

When it comes to the actual moment leading up to intimacy, a successful conversation naturally is a lot more tender and romantic but run along much the same lines:
  "I love your blue eyes."
  "As a matter of fact they're a hazy sort of green."
  "I suppose it's the expression in them I love."
  "You're too close to see it."
  "Maybe it's the almond shape that turns me on."
  "Actually they're more round than almond."
  "Then it's the softness in them."
  "Everyone tells me my gaze is very direct."
  "Perhaps they don't know you very well."
  "I don't think you know me at all."

  And if the man lets her contradict him long enough, eventually when he says: "Do you feel like coming for a drink?" she'll be in the full swing of things and in the mood to reply: "Actually, I'd prefer coffee."

Woman to Man

While a man trying to chat up a woman has to be prepared to be contradicted on every statement he makes, the woman must be prepared, when trying to land a bloke to give him plenty of chances to hold a monologue or two or three.
  "Pretty hot today."
  "Mmmm."
  "Even hotter than yesterday."
  "Mmmm."
  "It feels like there's going to a heatwave."
  "Mmmm."

  She knows not to be discouraged by this seeming lack of interest. She knows that blokes are rather contemplative and that during those long pensive moments they are really searching for a subject to compose a monologue about.
  "Yes, they've even announced it on the radio that they're expecting it to be the hottest day since 1873."
  "Really? Mmmm."
  She smiles delightedly at such an expansive reply and soldiers on. "I must say I'm amazed, I don't know how they could have kept such accurate records from such an early date."
  "Yeah. I suppose. Mmmm."

  You have to persist.

  You may feel that you're at the end of the conversation since he seems to be ignoring everything you say, but must take into consideration that the guy is probably only now working out the inner structure of his monologue.
  "I must admit I don't like it when it's too hot. I tend to get rashes under my arms and other places."
  "Mmmm. That a fact? Really? Mmmm."
  "My grandfather had sunstroke for ten years."
  "Yeah, well, I reckon, the sun is the best thing for you."

  Is this the start of it? She has to be prepared for an uncomfortable moment or two. Spend perhaps her time looking at the scenery to allow the male the correct amount of time to build up the internal pressure that precipitates the dam to burst.
  "I mean, do you like the hot weather?"
  "Love it. Love the summer. And the heat."

  There is now a longish pause. No matter what happens, she must hold herself in tight control so that she can allow the dam to burst.

  "Love the sun. I don't believe all this rubbish about cancer. The sun gives us all the vitamins we need. I would never take a pill. It's just scare tactics about melanoma. A real man wouldn't get melanoma. If a man gets melanoma I reckon it means he wasn't a real man to begin with. People die without the sun. They turn white, shrivel up and drop dead. I mean look at the Pommies, they're all sick from lack of sun. They're depressed, unhappy, you know they have the highest rate of arthritis in the Western world and they lose their sex drive before they're thirty, all because of lack of sun."

  On no account must she try to get him on facts or test his knowledge since the point of a monologue is not accuracy but a general sense of assertiveness.

  If she cuts him short he will really resent her and will start attacking with things like: "You look as if you need to get out in the fresh air, do a bit of exercise, that'll get rid of all your hives and rashes."

  If you let him lurch from monologue to monologue long enough, eventually he will get around to saying:
  "Do you feel like coming for a drink?"

Proven successful romantic topics when talking to the opposite sex are usually those that give plenty of chances to the female to disagree with the man's views without getting personal, while furnishing the male with safe material for a monologue that she doesn't have to follow.

  Here are a few such topics.

  Beaches versus beaches. Make sure you include at least one incident of shark attack or drowning no matter what beach comes up in conversation.

  The relative merits of suburbs you're never likely to live in. "Gee they've got some real nice houses in Carlton these days. It used to be a daggy place but now I'm not so sure."

  Things that are never likely to happen to you. Make sure the stories you refer to are only a couple of days old otherwise you'll tend to sound like a historian.

  "Did you read the bit about the woman who set herself alight accidentally when she tried to iron her synthetic blouse while still wearing it?"

  What was on TV last night while you were in bed with someone else. Make sure you don't remember any of the facts correctly so as to give your partner a chance to correct you and also so you don't come over as too bright.

  "Did you see the bit about the One-Hundred Monkeys? They got a hundred monkeys and taught them to unbury all these coconuts and then discovered that three hundred kilometres away on these Russian islands these other monkeys knew how to dig up coconuts through telepathy or something."

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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