Romantic Ordeals

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Romantic Ordeals
In most places in the world, people are expected to resist each other initially, but once they give in the relationship tends to get easier and easier with each further encounter.

  In most places but not in Australia.

  The Continental concept of romance whereby after the first time you've been to bed together, either partner will contact the other following a few hours of separation and eagerly make a date for the same afternoon with words such as: "I can hardly wait to be with you again" and "I'm dying for us to be alone together," is largely unknown in Melbourne or Sydney.

  Among Australians things are the other way around since such mushy practices are considered too annoying for words and rather crude.

  The winning over of the fair damsel or fair prince operates with complex rituals and strict rules inculcated into the minds of the people from an early age.

  Here each person is carefully raised to beware of being taken for granted, for once that happens it's a sure sign the relationship is going stale. The important thing is not to fall into a rut, not to let others feel too comfortable with you, not to let them relax with you before they've proved themselves. No one has the right to take you for granted, and this includes especially spouses, parents and children.

  Since Australians hate to be taken for granted, they will submit to a second intimacy only after much attention and persuasion, as they cannot stand the idea of being expected just to fall into bed with someone for a second time.

  It's important, therefore, that the second time things should be even more difficult than the first, in order to keep the affair fresh and excruciatingly exciting.

  Certain stages of romance can be discerned and it is felt that if one does not pass through these stages, things simply cannot proceed.

Ordeal By Indecision

They've had their first intimacy and this is the third date and they are now both working themselves up to going through with the second intimacy.

  They've agreed to meet after work at a nearby Asian restaurant for a quick meal of raw tuna, green chicken curry and baked ice cream. And they've made it obvious that neither of them wants a late night.

  A good sign.

  It's a customary ritual for Antipodean couples to have an extensive discussion about the table they want to sit at in the restaurant.

  He:   The window table looks good.

  She:   Oh, I think it's less noisy further in.

  He:   Yeah, well, it's your decision.

  She:   No, no, I thought you would like that seat in the corner         because it's much quieter.

  He:   I don't mind as long as I can look outwards. (obediently         moves towards the far corner table she had indicated)

  She:   (Stops midway and looks around the tiny restaurant)

  He:   (Pulling out the chair to sit down) Great.

  She:   Hang on, the window seat is not so smoky. (Turns         around and strides towards the window table)

  He:   (Gets up to follow)

  She:   (Plonks herself in the seat looking out the window)         Is that all right then?

  He:   (Forced to take the chair opposite with his back to         the window, his most hated position.) Not bad.

  The above ritual is considered essential if the evening is to progress with the right amount of romantic tension.

Ordeal by Trivia

Conversation takes an acknowledged traditional form.

  At all times he has to avoid making compliments and must aim to make her feel that there is something wrong with her, that somehow she's not measuring up but that, at the same time, somehow he doesn't mind.

  Her traditional role entails confiding in him the problems she has with one of her ex-boyfriends, and her dilemma whether she should start an affair with someone at work.

  He: I thought you'd be able to use chopsticks.

  She: Well, no, my ex was always on about that. He was such a perfectionist, he could even pick up green peas with them.

  He: I hope you know how to handle a computer. Most of the girls at the place where I'm working are all a bit technophobic.

  She: Oh.

  The more he likes her, the more he tries to put her down. The more intensely she feels about him, the more intimate the details about her other lovers. This is an acceptable approach and makes for very unusual conversation.

  She: As a matter of fact Terry, that's my ex, was at some point in his life a computer programmer. He used to love working on the computer straight after you-know-what. (Laughs) I mean other people light up a cigarette but he'd jump out of bed and bash away at his keyboard. I picked up quite a lot from him during those sessions.

  He: Really? That surprises me. You don't look the type to put up with that kind of attitude.

  She: I think I was really in love with him, I mean that was until I met Ron. I was forced to juggle my weekends, they were both pressurising me all the time. Sometimes I'd have to have dinner with Terry at six and then go and have another dinner with Ron at nine and then go back to Terry's place to convince him that I wasn't fooling around. The stress was terrible. I broke out in all this dermatitis between my fingers and on my back.

  Silence.

  She knows that should she ask some questions about him or maybe even show an interest in him or his intentions, then she will be classed as a slut and an easy mark.

  He knows that in Australia, if you intend to go to bed with somebody you're not allowed to admit that your ultimate aim is to have a sexual relationship.

  And both know that the most unacceptable approaches are: "I find you attractive" or "I think you're unusual" or "I would like to get to know you better."

  The general aim is to act as if you've just met for the first time.

  After the ritual of bill paying which involves either or both of you examining every item on the account, re-adding it with the aid of their fingers, and expounding quite emphatically the philosophical reasons why it's unnecessary and inappropriate to tip, you leave the locale rather quickly.

Ordeal by Goodbyes

Outside the restaurant you start to make your goodbyes which both know will take up to forty-five minutes of your time. Stamina and resilience really come into play here as traditional lovers have to say goodbye a lot.

  You have to say goodbye after the first drink, after the first time your hands touch, after you accidentally say something pleasant, after your gazes meet, after you brush past their thigh, after every possible action that might be interpreted as a commitment.

  Some lovers on a date will start saying goodbye almost from the moment they meet. Others brace themselves knowing that their goodbyes will usually take the better part of the evening.

  And nothing is more agonising than a street goodbye.

  "Well, see you then."

  "Yes, bye."

  "Gotta go now."

  "Me too."

  He knows that he must keep saying goodbye to demonstrate that he's not really desperate for sex. She, on the other hand, knows to prolong the goodbyes for as long as possible to reassure him, but especially herself, that she is not too sluttish or easy going.

  "Sorry I can't stay."

  "Yes, I've got an appointment too."

  "Anyway, we should have an early night."

  "Yes, I was just going to say that."

  She may finally get around the situation and extricate them from the loop of goodbyes by asking something intense such as: "Did you drive your car to work today?" This is supposed to indicate to the male that she is nearly ready to be offered a lift. But he knows he mustn't offer it right away since this might be interpreted as stating that he anticipate a sexual memento or two as a consequence of the lift.

  "I'll call you in a few days."

  "Fair enough."

  "Or you can call me."

  "Why not."

  "We're sure to call each other, aren't we?"

  "Sure."

  Traditionally she has to be protected from the emotional trauma of the thought of being taken for granted, while at the same time he has to be reassured that he's not being trapped into furthering the relationship.

  "Maybe we can go out together again."

  "Yeah."

  "Might do something."

  "Fine."

  In fact antipodean lovers know that their partners are ready and keen at the end of the evening only when during the ritual saying of goodbyes they suddenly start to give jerky answers while bunging on a wooden composure, (which the uninitiated might misconstrue for boredom).

  "Bye then."

  "Mmmm."

  "See you."

  "Aha."

  Silence.

  Pause.

  Only when the words get less and less intelligible and the silences longer and more awkward, may the couple be sure that the ordeal is completed and it is now safe to proceed to the next stage.

  There's no shirking, there's no short-cutting. Every stage of the mating ordeal has to be observed again, and again, and again.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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