How to Get Picked Up by Women

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

How to Get Picked Up by Women
I'm with some of my mates at an acquaintance's party. I am standing around when I notice in a corner, near the drinks, a bunch of people. Among them I see, wouldn't you know it, somebody I'm drawn to.

  In South America I would launch into frantic dance manoeuvres to attract her attention and try to communicate my interest with every cell of your bouncing eyeballs. In Europe I would make my way towards the woman and after eyeing her for a while, say straight out: Je t'aime (or ti quiero, ich liebe dich, ya lyublyu tebya, ti amo, szeretlek, sagapo). A shocking technique, I admit, but in both cases there is a good chance that though at first she will laugh at me, after I insisted on my sincerity for an hour or so, she would end up moved by my poignant desire and develop an interest.

  Eye contact in Australia is also very important.

  It's important not to have it.

  The last thing you want is to let people know that you like them. Best to saunter over and address the most aesthetically challenged in the group, making a point of ignoring the one who attracted you.

  In Australia if you ignore for hours on end the people you would like to talk to, and refrain from looking at them for the duration of an entire evening, and after a whole night of total indifference still refuse to even go near them, then this will be a definite indication that you are passionately interested or available. Or both.

  You may therefore treat the one you're not attracted to as kindly as you wish. You can pay attention to them as much as you like. You can be friendly and funny and even relaxed as long as you're not interested in them. You can tell bad Irish jokes or ask for all kinds of advice.

  At some stage I'll have to say: "And who are your friends?" I might then be introduced. And then offer to get them a drink. Making sure I get the right change for it, however. Nothing is more off-putting than someone trying to be generous. It is considered the typical trait of an aggravating show-off.

  Now comes a very exciting albeit tortuous part of the ritual. The male is preening himself, as it were, before the female. If he hops about too aggressively, she will fly off. What I have to do instead is give the hen plenty of time to make up her mind whether or not to make the first move.

  I must not address her directly either as that would really put the kybosh on the situation. Compliment the aesthetically challenged companion instead for being deep or perceptive or just great fun to talk to. Inquire what the others in the group do.

  Great wariness is practised at this point. Successful Aussies know that just because the one they're after appears relaxed this doesn't mean it's all in the bag.

  She knows the rules of the game better than I do, for sure, she knows the rituals of getting picked up and is fully prepared for the length of time this takes to unfold.

  So everything I do from now on must point out that I could not possibly be after coitus. It's nerve-racking, I admit, but it's got to be done. Done until I find out about my chances. And that will depend on whether she asks me something totally inconsequential, for example something about what my mates do for a crust.

  It would be very dangerous indeed if she tried to short-cut the process or if she were to try to find out directly what I did for a living. Dangerous for both of us, so to speak, since this would indicate that she is probably interested in one of my mates instead of me.

  Everything works in a very roundabout way. That's because people think themselves so straightforward here. Or to paraphrase Gustave 'I-hate-to-be-paraphrased' Flaubert, "there is nothing more complex than people who consider themselves simple."

  Hers must be the last move as well.

  In this case she does this by announcing that she must go home soon. Or needs an early night. Or has to get up really early in the morning.

  I readily agree and indicate that I understand only too well this sudden need to leave. A successful man knows by tradition not to say: "Oh, it's still early" or "I'll get you another drink" or "Stay a bit longer" as this would be immediately seen as bad manners or, more awful still, as an attempt to actually prevail your will over the female.

  Instead, at the last minute and in faulty awkward language with much reticence and shoulder flexing, I start to mutter:

  "Um... er... um..."

  If all rituals have been observed, the female will customarily come out with a seven or eight digit number where she can be contacted.

  And I can reply then romantically: "Be seeing you."

  Letting the female pick up the male is one of the basic principles of Australian romance.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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