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Only in Australia August, 1999 |
GAMBLING STAKES HIGH: $3.0 billion LOW: $2.9 billion |
BOREDOM INDEX 531.88 -11.97 |
FOOTY INDEX So-So Rugby: Quotient +24 |
Road-Rage Index 4,150 Cane-Toads Death Toll 54,326 |
World Heritage Ban Sought on Rupert Murdoch's FaceShares will plummet if scalpel is not taken to Rupert's face, claims Fox spokesmodel Ms ????????? (Wing Ding)U.G.H., the political wing of Gutbusters, are continuing talks with Unesco in an attempt to have Rupert's face, hands and ears placed on a World Heritage register. "It's bad enough that he's got all this power, money and a young wife, it would be totally unfair to Aussie men everywhere if he looked good as well," said spokesdag Les Murray.
"I don't have to keep promises," says PM, "I'm an entertainer"Prime Minister leads the way in a new approach to policy makingFollowing current trend, john.howard@gov.au has declared a policy of entertainment first and everything else second. "I'm an entertainer, not a politician," the Prime Minister told a stunned audience of clowns acting as journalists.In a like vein, Kieran Perkins denied having to break records and win races. "I'm just an entertainer," he said. "All I have to do is shave my legs and wear a sponsor's hat." Architect Harry Seidler claims his building don't have to stay up. "They just have to be entertaining," he said. "Look at the Horizon, It's funnier than Star Wars and looks just like Darth Vader."
New website leaves them for deadEureka.com.au launches a new website targeted at the infirmSoon_to_be_dead.com is an exciting new site aimed at the fast growing hospice and palliative care market. This site will include sections on superannuation, where to get the best mortgage deals, and incredible deals on gym memberships.
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BHP to change name to bhp.comShares rise $24 billion after announcementIn a dramatic move, the chairman of BHP signalled a totally new direction for the Big Australian. When questioned what online businesses BHP was going into, chairman John Hardisk said "That's it. The name's changed to bhp.com. Isn't that enough for you idiots out there? What more do you want?"
State to outlaw pub chook raffles in favor of Olympic ticket pushPub owners revoltIn a desperate move to bolster sagging Olympic ticket sales, the state government.com.au has outlawed chook ruffles in pubs because they were detrimental to Olympic 2000 ticket sales. Mr Phlopidisque, the minister for Pubs & Culture, said: "Errr... The Olympics, mate." He then passed out in a pool of his own vomit.
Boat people detained at Sydney Opera HouseIn a well-planned sting, the Australian Customs and Immigration service, has detained a boat load of 900 people who claim to be tourists off the QE2Vigilant Immigration officials dismissed the protests of the mostly geriatric detainees as they were forced at gun point onto planes bound for the Port Headland detention centre.
"I forgot to make money"Bank chief confesses to stakeholdersSecond State Bank CEO Sir Malcolm Spendwell, revealed last night at a slap up farewell dinner, that the bank was insolvent. "We all got so caught up in team building exercises and devising attractive staff share incentive schemes, that we forgot to make money."
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Current Issues in Australia Only In Australia's End of the Millenium Report: What were the cheapest buys in the last 1000 years.
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- Australia had a bit of lamb, its meat was soft as dough and everywhere that she tried to sell, the US was sure to go
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Quote of the month "I think Australia can no longer ignore or be cool to the feelings of those who want to come here and cuddle a koala." Henry Lawson, immigration minister, while visiting illegal immigrants caught trying to land their boats on a deserted beach in Western Australia. 4000 years ago 4000 years ago this month, Koori tribe leaders warn all up-country families to beware of procurers trying to lure girls to Kings Cross brothels with false offers of jobs. © Copyright Major Mitchell Press, August 1999 e-mail us with comments and letters to the editor. |
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