How Not To Say Anything At All

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

How Not To Say Anything At All
It's important to understand the principles that govern conversation. Not knowing them, you might make the mistake of trying to communicate. The fact is that you may say anything you wish, as long as you do not back it up with facts.

  In the old traditional-style of story telling, practised say by Germans, people endeavour to relate something that's happened to them in a direct and exact manner usually by plunging into the story right from the start.
  "How did you get your black eye?"
  "It was ten minutes after midnight. I was putting on my pyjamas when there was a knock at the door. I opened up and two huge people burst in. The taller one, a man with a big red face, grabbed me by the arm and pushed me against the wall. His colleague, a fat woman with shiny steel teeth, shoved a paper in my face.
  "'Is this flat 15?' she asked and ordered me to stand in the corner. 'No,' I said, 'It's 16. Have a look for yourself. There's a bit broken off the number."
  "The man goes out has a look at the entrance, comes back without a word and gives me a black eye. As I closed the door, I heard them bashing down the entrance across the landing. My first thought was to warn them that 15 was really at the end of the corridor but then I decided to let number 17 cope with that."

  Australians by contrast, see the ordinary relating of facts as unnecessary. For Australians it's the intrinsic-subjective-internalised-point-of-view that is at the basis of the true art of antipodean communication.
  "That's some shiner you've got there!"
  "It was unbelievable. It was incredible. I still can't get over the fact that things like this can go on here. I tell you we've got to do something. The authorities just have too much power in this country. I mean it was night time for god's sake! Actually when they arrived I thought it was a joke. No one's going to push me around like that and get away with it, let me tell you, no one! I would've told off the buggers then and there. Especially that awful woman who started to push me around. Honestly at first I thought she was a bloke.
  "'What do you think you're doing?' I demanded.
  "I reckon I must have sounded really mad because suddenly they got cold feet and claimed that they had made some sort of mistake. Mistake! How can you make a mistake like that? Galahs the whole bloody lot of them!"

People in this country were either keen to talk in an abstract way because they burn with a vital need to communicate the all-pervading, underlying general 'mood' of a situation rather than the facts surrounding it, or they feared inadvertently revealing something secret about themselves.
  "It was devastating. The hardest experience of my life."
  "You might disagree but I think it could turn out to be good for the ego."
  "I mean I thought I wouldn't live through it."
  "You've got to be strong."
  "All I could think was that I wanted to turn back the clock."
  "I still think this is a situation with potential which is not to say that you shouldn't be prepared to go at least halfway."
  "I suppose I've got to face reality even though I probably missed out on a great opportunity to set everything right."
  "You just went into it full pelt."
  "It's traumatic but at least I feel I'm alive."
  "Beautifully said."

  After a perusal of the example given above, would you say that this conversation is about:
  a) a messy divorce?
  b) a big loss at the races?
  c) a face lift gone horribly wrong?

As most European-style conversation is too concrete and factual for local sensibilities, I take this opportunity to put forward some tried and true, evergreen conversational topics which are always likely to find favour.

  One of the best to begin with is always a movie you missed on TV. Describe in meandering detail the circumstances that led you to come home late and catch only the last ten minutes of Daughters of Satan Meet C3P0. Lose interest once a person starts to tell you the story.

  Books are also good, but not the ones you've read, nobody cares about those. Never actually refer to books you know about, as that could lead to a difference of views. You're better off finding common ground with the other person by establishing what books neither of you has ever read.

  Winners you didn't back. This is an inexhaustible fount of conversation, as failure is a condition with which everyone can identify. Do not be intimidated if you don't have the practise of talking about gambling. You can virtually say anything. Famous horses are the best. "Bucephalus did pretty well", if you're historically trained. "I did my dough on Rosinante", if you ever got as far as page 20 in 'Don Quixote.' (I have and the book mark is still there.)

  Lucky tips people in the know gave you but you've ignored are also excellent. Stories of visits to a plush international casino that nearly ended in fabulous riches give everyone a warm glow. Fifty dollars blown in an RSL club in the course of an entire evening also goes a long way. In fact everything to do with gambling except... winning.

  Discussing or discovering common acquaintances could lead to serious blunders, so it's best to talk of people neither of you have ever met. Stars and politicians are alright, but cookery experts are even better. Talking of famous chefs carries in many ways the same feeling people in other countries get when they discuss the aristocracy. These chefs have insinuated themselves in society really well.

  Talking of what you'd do if you won the lottery is very acceptable as long as your plans intimate wanton waste, but comparing various types of lotteries run in different states is even better, since it permits both of you to rave on endlessly without having to listen to the other person.

  Anybody can talk of the many places they haven't been to as yet, but that promises to be boring especially if your interlocutor decides to pick places contained in a small geographical perimeter centred on Yass. It's best to talk of all the places you wouldn't want to visit. If you're from Sydney, mention Melbourne, or vice versa.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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