Why How Not To Dress Well

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

How Not To Dress Well
Overseas, people's clothes indicate the social class they come from. Here, clothes are meant to disguise it.

  This transcendental truth came to me early on and quite by accident. I was taken along to the home of a wealthy building contractor where, I was assured by my girlfriend, I would meet rich and important people. I went to seek out my host and addressed the most elegant man present. It turned out he was the maitre d'. The second most elegant man turned out to be the pianist hired for the evening. The third best dressed man was someone's bodyguard. My search continued down the line, until finally I found my host: he was wearing the crumpled suit and battered shoes of a man who's come to give a quote on removing the vermin.

  I expressed my astonishment, since back in Bosnia-Herzegovina a rich man would rather step on a land mine than be seen in such an outfit. In Europe, elegance is an obsession. The concept of "everything he owns in the world, he wears on his back" was devised to designate a large percentage of the population. Europeans who don't look more than they are worth, get a raw deal indeed, and stories about such people are legion.

  "The richer one is here," explained my host, "the poorer he must dress, in order to keep the nation democratic. I know this may seem difficult to understand since this is such a free and affluent country, but you could visualise it in terms of being an escapee from Mongolia, trying to make your way across China to the Hong Kong border. At all costs, you would want to blend in with the environment, and wherever possible, disappear from view completely."
  "So what is one escaping from?" I asked.
  "Envy."

  It was my first lesson in being Low Key.

  Not long ago, I happened to be talking to a factory owner, when a flashily dressed young man rushed past his employer. As the young worker disappeared in his gleaming sportscar, the factory owner remarked:
  "I wish I could afford his style."

  To the casual listener, the statement might have been a reflection on the man's financial affairs. As a matter of fact, they were rather wealthy. What he was referring to, of course, was the fact that as a successful capitalist, he simply could not "afford" to be seen as such. He should not be seen in anything less Low Key than an off-the-rack, ill-fitting, dull grey suit.

  In short, in Europe when people dress poorly, they do so out of one motive only: poverty. But in Australia, where one pays a great deal of attention to not being paid attention, poor looking personal dress is the aim.

  First of all, when shopping for clothes, you must ascertain a poor fit. Features to look for are trousers that are slightly too short (as if they had shrunk on the buyer), of a material that crushes easily. Jackets must be a few years behind the fashion. Any fashion. If very narrow lapels are the vogue, then choose medium or wide. If wide lapels are the rage, choose medium or narrow. Real difficulties arise only when medium lapels come into fashion. As with all problematic choices in Australia, one suspects that the solution lies somewhere in alcohol.

  Of footwear not more than two pairs are needed: brown shoes to go with blue, black or grey trousers, and black shoes to go with brown, fawn or white. The theme of this colour scheme should be carried right through the entire wardrobe.

  In the "casual" footwear department, thongs can be worn with everything.

Women by contrast have a lot more freedom because their choice of mis-matchable colours is so much broader.

  The first stop when shopping for clothes should be at the synthetics counter of a department store. This is where you will find the backbone of your summer or winter collection.

  You need no more than six dresses, as Sundays may be spent in any brushed nylon brunch-coat. None of the dresses should be tainted by fashion or style. Go for the shirt-maker or cowl-neckline, as they always bunch up under a cardigan and look suitably gauche.

  Blouses must be in a variety of prints so that they may be mismatched in the highest number of permutations, while at the same time allowing you to look like everyone else.

  Shoes and handbags need not be bought with any specific outfit in mind, as they can thus be grabbed at random from the pile at the bottom of the cupboard. The only requisite is that the shoes should at least match with... each other.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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