Never Criticise

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Never Criticise
"This is the worst piece of execrable rubbish I've ever had the misfortune to come across. You are not only clumsy, stupid and worthless, but you have the effrontery to waste my time as well as that of the rest of the company."

  In Germany, you could be considered a fool, should you come up with anything less critical.

  Don't try it in Australia.

  In France, such a mild approach to the mistakes of others would not even rate a mention. The French, who take their critical faculties seriously, would closely examine the offending object. They are then likely to give a comprehensive list of those who have attempted it far more successfully but are still considered second-raters. This would follow with a list of all those who have done it well. It is highly likely they will then take the offending object, item, piece, etc., and throw it to the ground, spitting copiously, trampling it underfoot, and vowing to kill anyone who might ever again present them with such merde.

  Don't try it in Australia.

  In the United States, criticism is taken very seriously indeed. The American, who holds nothing more sacred than the concept of "progress", will come out with something like:   "Now look here, buddy boy, I don't care who and what you are, but you can't come up with stuff like this. What you'll really have to do is follow my advice, since I am much better, bigger, brighter and wiser than you!"

  Don't try it in Australia.

When I first found myself in this country, I gained information about the place from movies, plays and television dramas. They displayed their heroes as a forthright people who were forever involved in gutsy arguments, violent verbal skirmishes and fearless face-to-face confrontations; neither afraid to openly speak their minds nor resentful when others do so.

  Nothing could be further from the truth.   Nobody believes in the rights of others to be critical of their efforts at all. A Lucky Islander may be self-critical, true, but that is merely being Low Key, not unlike those Chinese Mandarins who used to refer to everything they owned or did as "humble"

  This basic rule leapt at me the following way. An Australian friend, proud of his newly built outdoor barbecue, kept urging me for weeks to tell him what I thought of his handiwork. For weeks on end I assured him that it was very, very good. But no matter how much I insisted, he always closed the discussion with the same remark: "Ah, it still needs a bit of work."

  One day, as talk drifted onto the subject of his barbecue again, I decided to give in by agreeing with his own evaluation. So when he finally popped the question "What do you think of it?" I told him, "Well, I imagine it still needs a bit of work." There was a painful and embarrassed silence. My friend simply sat there, disbelieving of my treachery, and said nothing for a long, long time. After that I never heard from him again.

  Criticism is the one thing Australians are simply not prepared for. They may request it. They may even tell you that they crave it. But you must never ever give in to the temptation. No matter how hard your friends, superiors or employees try to get an "honest" opinion out of you, no matter how earnestly you are assured that it is alright, that you can really speak your mind - don't soften. Don't give in. Hold to your initial opinion that everything is just perfect.

  Say your friend has just brought around the plans for her new loungeroom, and she wants your honest thoughts on the subject.

  You know better than to comment on how the chequered wallpaper clashes with the patterned carpet, or on the blue curtains with the salmon lounge-suite, or on the idea of having a glass coffee-table surrounded by fake rococo armchairs.

  "It will look very nice", you remark enthusiastically.

  But still she insists: "No, no, tell me the truth. If there is something you don't like, it can easily be changed."

  (Hey, how do you change everything?)

  "I tell you, it's wonderful what you've planned."

  "But no, I want you to really tell me."

  Finally you break down and say: "I think the Chinese rosewood sideboard doesn't quite fit in... "

  "But can't you see?" exclaims your friend, outraged. "The pink in the wood will be reflected in the wallpaper! I've always decorated all own places. What's more, everyone's always been very positive! I really didn't expect you to be so small-minded. I'd never say something like that to you. Anyway, I worked for what I've got and I can do as I like. I've to leave now. I am going out."

  In Australia you just never ever criticise. There are only two standard responses to criticism: a) They'll take years to forgive you; b) You'll never hear from them again.

  The problem with offering criticism lies in the fact that before you have finished speaking, people are ready with a levelling explanation of why things are the way they are - thus making whatever you say both irrelevant and insulting.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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