How To Motivate An Australian

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

How To Motivate An Australian
The surest way to motivate anyone is to make them feel that whatever it is they are attempting to perform, accomplish, reach or conquer is something they have absolutely no hope of achieving.

  This is your cornerstone of successful Aussie psychology. In the United States you just offer everyone more money, in France the best encouragement is a medal, in Iran most likely a promise of martyrdom. But here, if you're smart, you motivate people by appealing to their spirit of contrariness and telling them all sorts of awful things.
  "You haven't got a hope in hell."
  "What are you talking about?"
  "It's a lost cause."
  "Is that so?"
  "You'll never make it."
  "Says who?"

  Should you wish to spur on a lagging sportsperson in the People's Republic of China, you would exclaim: "For the Party and a bicycle all of your own!" In Australia, however, you simply utter: "Not on your life!" which gets you a shocked look on their faces, so that then you can add casually "I reckon you've got less than one chance in a million," which then arouses pure hate in their eyes, so that then you can cap it with: "There's just no way you can do it."

  These key words have the miraculous effect of transforming the average person from Coolangatta or Tallandoon into a high achiever. Words which might bring to a halt the overly touchy Spaniard, send into decline the hypersensitive Mongol or make the thin-skinned Indonesian lose all hope, ignite your basic Boggabrite into unrestrained action with the same impetus as a powerful anabolic steroid, and they set about achieving their goals.

  "What? I'll show them! Just give me half a chance! It makes my blood boil! Who do the bastards think they are?"

  You must understand that, sadly, words of traditional positive thinking so popular with Americans have the reverse effect.

  Saying "I reckon if anyone can pull it off, mate, you can," results in the person giving up after six months.

  Saying "You are our best chance for gold," results in the athlete coming fourth.

  Saying "You'll knock the spots off them!" results in the pop group returning from their tour by cargo ship.

  But say "You're just tilting at windmills," "Not on your Nelly!" or "You couldn't knock the skin off a rice pudding" and it becomes a different matter. Now they've got something to live for, now they go out of their way to beat not their opponents but You.

  The secret is that if you put pressure and responsibility on the shoulders of most Australians they panic or fall to pieces. Expressions such as: "You'll kill 'em!" and "It's in the bag" and "Hot favourite" have the opposite of the desired effect by applying the constraint of having to perform. But take away the urgency and the obligation and your little antipodean blossoms like an orange tree without a black plastic bag over it.

  It all goes back to the First Fleet and all the evil-wishers standing on the shore in 1787, waving the brave eleven ships goodbye with banners proclaiming: "You've as much chance as a fart in a windstorm." Suddenly good old Captain Phillip and his band of one-thousand-and-forty-four felt uplifted, responsibility taken off their shoulders, and they experienced a primeval energy release in their minds and bodies. "Who do they think they are? Just give us half a chance! We're going to show them something they'll never forget!"

  Hell hath no fury like an Australian scorned.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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