A Modest Observation

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

A Modest Observation
Men in Australia become homosexual if they like women and heterosexual if they don't.

  This transcendental truth came to me early on when I made the acquaintance of a beautiful Australian girl. No sooner were we introduced, than she began to treat me like an old friend. She rewarded my compliments with little hugs, laughed at my travel adventures and in general acted wonderfully relaxed.

  At the end of the evening I took her home. Seated on her sofa, close to each other, we continued telling amusing stories over a cup of coffee. Suddenly as she brushed close to me, I leaned forward and kissed the girl on the mouth. She tensed up, became stiff and pressed herself against the far edge of the sofa.

  "What's wrong?" I said.

  "I thought you were homosexual," she told me.

  "How come?"

  "You're too friendly to be straight."

  "But you were friendly too!" I exclaimed.

  "Because I thought you were gay!"

  From that moment on the atmosphere changed dramatically.

  The conversation was no longer easy-going and the girl behaved with an odd formality. No matter how affectionately I treated her, she responded tautly and spoke with long awkward pauses.

  "Sure you aren't homosexual?" she asked again.

  "Of course not."

  "Only gay men act so relaxed with women here."

  "Then how do Australian heterosexual men act?" I asked.

  "Normal," she said.

  After much trial and error, I discovered over the next few months that only when I too tensed up, acted gruff and spoke with long awkward pauses, did Australian women seem to take my advances seriously and accept me as a potential romantic partner.

  I had stumbled upon the Australian heterosexual mode and uncovered two very important basic rules:

  1  Gay men in Australia behave towards women with the same relaxed, easy-going attitude that heterosexual men manifest towards women in Europe. Brought up by righteous-minded mothers and aunts, homosexuals here have a deep respect for females and would rather regard other men only as sex objects. By contrast, and in order to be identified as heterosexuals, straight men in Australia have to act surly, tense and uneasy with women, as if they didn't like them at all. They must also look ready to bolt at any moment and run back to their mates.

  2  Gay men in Australia, when visiting their women friends, bring flowers, boxes of chocolates or champagne, much like straight men do in Europe. They are also the ones who entertain the women with amusing stories and flattering compliments at parties and in public places. Heterosexual Australian men, on the other hand, wanting to be recognised as such, have no choice but to slouch in corners and grunt into their drinks. Since they also consider taking presents when visiting rather cissy, straight men prefer just to bring themselves.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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