Introitus

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Introitus
When I first came in Australia I thought I knew about making love. After the next encounter I began to suspect that I would have to revise drastically my techniques of dating, foreplay and intimacy. A few encounters later I realised that I would have to re-learn the entire process.

  It seemed that making my partner happy consisted of following some strange cryptic rules that no partner was willing to divulge. When questioned everyone always answered:
  "I just do my thing" or,
  "You should be yourself" or,
  "Just do what comes naturally."

  When I inquired why it was that the sexual techniques evolved elsewhere in the world did not seem to work Down Under, people had a standard reply: "Surely you know."

  I began to suspect that people went to great pains to disguise from observers their privileged sexual know-how and were very reticent to reveal it due to the regulations of their society which decreed them to remain secret. Even longtime friends appeared loath to discuss many of their mysterious methods of courtship and referred to them only in codes that were difficult to decipher.

  It was not until one particular intimate occasion when suddenly my lover pushed me away and exclaimed, "What are you? A student of anatomy or something?" to which I mumbled something about foreplay and to which then my lover replied with a strange kind of smirk, that I discovered the actual difference between the build-up to love-making in other countries. It was a sudden and dramatic realisation and I felt the way Magellan must have felt when he stumbled on the secret passage to the Pacific.

  Overseas, foreplay resembles something of a hospital examination. Lovers behave like concerned medical practitioners, they check up on their partner's limbs; they probe for various bodily fluids; they explore the condition of the ears and the lips; they test for various reflexes. A few more specialised individuals might even take things a step further and inspect nerve centres you never knew you had, or detect muscles and cartilagenous bits you never suspected were there.

  These techniques don't get you very far here.

  Australian foreplay has little in common with medicine and resembles far more army combat manoeuvres. Lovers consider themselves not physicians but military tacticians. Their procedures are inspired not by the contemplation of anatomy but by the techniques of guerilla warfare. Their virtues are not palpation and auscultation but stamina and persistence. They send out advance scouting parties only to withdraw rapidly and wait for another opportunity. They are hasty and hardy. They are as desperate as Ned Kelly at the Glenrowan post office.

  There was no holding me back.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Roddy The Rooster & Friends

Site
by
JMV

Search | Home | Contents | Books

A Hop Through Australia's History