Robert Treborlang Australia

Roddy The Rooster & Friends

Search | Home | Contents | Books

A Hop Through Australia's History

The Grant System
The Grant System is designed to appeal to the innate gambling spirit of all participants. Those who apply for grants understand intrinsically that their application is not much different from having a flutter on the horses or dogs, and seldom take a loss or scratching too seriously. But as the popular saying goes, "You've got to be in it to win it." Therefore every month of an artist's busy creative year ought to represent the closing date of a particular government grant.

January:	Special Purpose Grant. (Deceased Estate Auction: down payment on neglected 3-storey block of flats)
February:	Senior Fellowship Grant. (legal costs and stamp duty)
March:	Creative Development Grant (new guttering and plumbing)
April:	Script Assistance Grant (re-carpeting of three-storey stairwell)
May:	Overseas Research Grant (light fittings to be bought in Hong Kong)
June:	Second Reassessment Grant (pay accountant and sundries)
July:	Federal Arts Award Grant (garbage disposal unit)
August:	Multicultural Studies Grant (Italian marble for the hallway)
September:	Special Projects Grant (repair built-ins and furniture)
October:	Visual Arts Exchange Fellowship (repaint walls and make good)
November:	Special Environmental Studies Grant (landscape back and front gardens)
December:	Overseas Study Tour Grant (down payment on the block of flats next door, then off on long deserved holiday)

  When filling in grant forms, your stated aims must sound determined, idealistic and noncontroversial. It would be helpful if you could prove that the project has already been successfully done overseas.

  During the interview, you should appear relaxed, non-ambitious and friendly - in a frigid sort of a way, of course. Avoid all eye contact if you can help it. If interviewers act too friendly you can be sure that you missed out. It helps to have had an affair with one of the assessors first.

  Once you have the money, immediately ask for a hefty extension of one or two years, "due to other commitments". Divorce is a good excuse for women. Having to look after the kids is the usual excuse for men.

  After several such extensions, publish in a weekend paper your reasons for not fulfilling your obligations to date, followed up by an attack on the whole grant system. When the dust settles down, apply for a grant to research the general dismal state of the arts, on the basis of your two-part newspaper article (second part of which, still incomplete).


Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert Treborlang Australia

Roddy The Rooster & Friends

Site by JMV

Search | Home | Contents | Books

A Hop Through Australia's History