Foreplay Down Under

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Foreplay Down Under
To the superficial observer it might even appear that Australians lack the techniques of foreplay altogether. This is not the case, however, as in Australia seduction is an intricate tactical skirmish that must be fought from behind the foliage of a dense rainforest of trivial details.

They've had dinner, they're going back to their respective homes because tomorrow morning both have an early start. He's dropping her off. She gets out of the car.

  Well, almost.

  He knows not to open the door, knows not to reach across to pull the handle and taps the dashboard panel for something to do instead.
  "Well, see you then."
  "Yeah, see you."
  "Mmmm."
  "Bye."

  She's opened the car door, he's checking his safety belt, her feet are on the ground, he's got the engine revving.
  "Bye."
  "Yeah, bye."

  Classic Australian foreplay.

  She's relaxed because she's got the car door open prepared for a quick getaway. He's relaxed because he's ready to bolt.

  Now the foreplay proper begins.

  He explains about the early start and drops a little 'clanger'.
  "That girlfriend of yours with the overlapping front teeth, I really liked her, she starts work at six am same as me."

  She retorts and explains why she is suspicious.
  "I used to go out with her brother, his teeth were really nice, but he only had one thing on his mind."
  He likes her but knows better than to seem too interested. She's interested since he doesn't seem too pushy, and is even a bit sorry to see him leave so early in the night.
  "I was going to invite you in for a coffee but I know you've got to go," she says.
  "Yeah, I really respect my body that's why I have to have my eight hours sleep," he answers.

All seduction must be left up to the woman. She has to make the passes but at the same time can't appear to be doing it or be interested in him. At the same time he's not allowed to do anything remotely aggressive towards her as that would be an insult to her womanhood. If he lunges towards her, she takes off. She can't move his way either or he'll think she's cheap. What to do?

  Distract her attention.
  "The water in the radiator might be real low," he says.
  "How low is it?"
  "Oh, I think it'll be okay until I make it home."
  "I can go and get a plastic container of water from the house for you."
  "No, no, I reckon it'll be fine."

  Now she's really interested. It's her willpower over his.
  "Maybe you should give the engine a chance to cool down."

  He examines the panel.
  "Yeah, okay, you might be right."

  She gives his instruments a cursory glance too.
  "Well, do you want to come inside and wait?"
  "All right, whatever you think."

  She gets out of the car, he turns off the engine and starts to follow her.
  "Ah, you haven't locked the car," she says.
  "It's only for a few minutes."
  "Look, a girlfriend of mine had her car stolen right from under her nose when she went to pay for her petrol."
  "Okay, I'll lock it."
  They go inside.

  He knows he must stay close to the door or sit on the edge of the single armchair nearest the exit so it doesn't look like he's planning on making a pass at her.

  She knows she must not do anything like turning on the television set since that might intimate that she wants to make him feel comfortable or relaxed.

  Now follows an hour of car disaster stories from his past and catastrophic travel stories from hers, after which he might say: "Ah, I think the car's cooled enough" and makes for the front door, at which point she lunges at him.

  But he knows it's still not in the bag.
  He: Oops, watch your step, you'll trip.
  She: Oh, thanks. I could've hurt myself.
  He: Er, see you.
  Pause.
  She: Well. Do you want to do it or not?

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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