When unrestrained emotional Italians have a problem, they expect the whole world to take an interest, listen and help them solve it. Friends are selfishly contacted at two in the morning. Hours are spent discussing the minutest details and litres of coffee and tears are poured out, while all manner of possible suggestions are put forward.
No Australian would stand for such behaviour.
In the United States, too, there are millions of brash, pushy and loud people running around with a variety of problems, complaining to family, friends, colleagues, psychiatrists, social counsellors, therapists, self-help organisations, positive thinking groups, or to anyone in subways and bars.
No Australian would stand for such behaviour either.
Australians are a polite and courteous people. Here it's considered bad manners indeed to foist your problems onto others. You may be in the middle of a nervous breakdown, you may even have in-laws staying with you, but under no circumstances are you to admit to any difficulties.
"How's it going?"
"Great!"
"Are those your crutches?"
"Marvellous, aren't they?"
"What about the neck brace?"
"Brand new!"
While Australians have problems like everyone else, what is considered highly improper is to voice these in intelligible terms. Polite Australians always talk about things that bother them with veiled cryptic comments. Well-bred people, they would never let on to what it is that's really wrong.
Under no condition are the issues that trouble you to be voiced in clear precise ways. Never actually refer to the problem itself. Always act as if your problem is something that's all over now and no longer of any consequence. Make it impossible for people to help you.
A German with matrimonial troubles, for example, will most likely take a swig of schnapps, turn to a friend and say: "I had an argument with Helga last night and she told me that if I didn't stop seeing other women and start coming home on time, she'd walk out on me. What am I going to do? You must help me."
This rude, obnoxious, exposed way of talking about problems is simply not acceptable in Australia. An Australian in a similar predicament, after a long evening of inconsequential conversation with a friend, would remark just before leaving:
"Jane's been strange lately."
"Oh, yeah?"
"She's been acting sort of funny."
"Hmmm."
"Makes one wonder..."
"Too right..."
Another very important rule emerges here. Well-brought up friends know always to keep their distance and not get involved. The degree to which you can distance yourself from someone with a problem, in fact, and insist on not helping them solve it, is recognised as a measure of their good manners.
"It's up to you."
"Yeah, I know..."
"I don't care either way."
"I realise that."
"You'll have to make up your own mind."
"Well, I've sort of decided already..."
"Whatever makes you happy."
Remember that should you, in a moment of weakness, take note of the problems of others or even offer to help them, there's a good chance that they'll shun you ever after for your tactless behaviour. You may know that the lives of Phil, Ron and Bill are currently in a disastrous state but you must never say anything upon meeting them. They may have lost their jobs or look like death warmed up, still you should simply overlook this and go along with a happy-go-lucky charade.
"You look great!"
"Thanks."
"Things must be going really well for you."
"Aha."
"It's good to see someone who's got it all together."
"Err..."
On the other hand, should others ferret out that something is bothering you, should they get wind that you're in some kind of trouble, you ought to dismiss immediately whatever they say: "Oh, no, I'm over that, it's all been taken care of, it's okay, it's all under control."
Unlike in the rest of the world, the aim in Australia should always be to act so self-contained that no one, preferably not even yourself, can understand any more the issues involved.
For this reason, self-containment works best if problems in the family and in relationships, are simply left unattended. Do nothing. Ignore them until circumstances allow you only one possible solution: "What else could I do? There was no other way, I had no choice, it sort of just happened."
The key is to hold back from talking about the things that bother you until you've held back for so long that it has become absolutely impossible to talk about them any more.
You are now ready to be a self-contained Australian.
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