Don't Praise Unless It's Expected

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Don't Praise Unless It's Expected
An Italian wishing to praise someone, will throw his arms wide open, roll his eyes and declare in a loud voice: "You are undoubtedly the greatest, the most talented ricotta-maker in the whole of Calabria! You are not only a great craftsman but a gastronomical artist!"

  Slightly exaggerated, to be sure, but on a peninsula of sixty million noisy souls, understandable. After all, how else is the message going to get through and make an impact? And then, perhaps the woman is an artist, and why shouldn't she enjoy the appreciation of her craft?

  In this underpopulated country, praise on such a lavish scale is not only unnecessary but positively dangerous. Anyone put into a situation like that would only react with comments like: "What was all that about?" (Not to the person's face, of course, but to friends.) "What's he really trying to say?" would also be circling somewhere in their minds. "Is this a joke?" is another normal reaction. But the one most likely to occur to anyone given any kind of uncalled for compliment is: "He must be drunk."

  He usually is.

  The local concept of praise runs in a different direction and as far away from absolutes as possible. Here, those wishing to show their appreciation will cautiously sum up the situation and then, after the necessary "erring" and ummming", say in a quiet tone, something like: "Not bad. Not bad, at all."

  And if they really like it, they might even throw in a line such as "God, you must have been working hard" or, "I hope everyone appreciates the effort you put into this".

  The aim is not only to avoid lavish praise but never to give unsolicited praise at all. The point is to praise, if you must, only if the other person has paved the way for it by rubbishing themselves first, as my girlfriend Patricia usually did, with remarks like: "I seem to a have made a mess of things" or "I don't think I know what I am doing" or occasionally, but only occasionally as it skates too close to the truth, "It could have been better."

  Of course, everyone else except for me understood that when she was running herself down, she wasn't really indulging in self-criticism but in fact giving the go-ahead to me and her other guests to indulge in some medium-sized praise.

  The dialogue would run something like this:
  "I don't know, this dress just doesn't fit me."
  "Looks practically made for you," said one of her girlfriends.
  "But I've chosen the wrong colour."
  "I was about to say how well the colour suited you," said an ex-boyfriend of hers. (I think he was an ex.)
  "It makes me appear too fat."
  "You've never looked thinner," told her another girlfriend.
  "But I think I may have paid too much."
  "No, you're so clever at finding bargains," piped up the first.

  Take note. In the above type of situation, not praising could prove just as fatal as the offering at other times of unsolicited praise. For if you don't provide expected praise, people may find themselves forced to take the last recourse and praise themselves.
  "Hell, I don't know, I seem to have made a big mess of things."
  "Hmmm..."
  "Even though I thought I was doing quite well."
  "As a matter of fact..."
  "Come on! It's not that bad!"
  "I mean to say..."
  "I happen to think that the whole thing is rather good, even if I say so myself."
  "Err..."
  "In fact, looking at it now, I would say it's excellent, bloody good, wonderful, terrific!"

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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