Great Australian Discoveries

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Great Australian Discoveries
Australians have proved to be the resourceful originators of many great scientific discoveries. But while the brilliant minds that developed the Sarich Orbital Engine, In Vitro Fertilisation and Myxomatosis have received international accolades for their achievements, little or nothing has been heard of the imaginative Aussie brains who have taken on the challenge of discovering Undetectable Diseases.

  Thanks to the researches of these obscure but brilliant intellects, Australia, the country that gave the world the fabulous Plastic Downpipe and the great Green Bean Slicer, now not only leads this field but also provides everyone with equal and substantial opportunities to make it big in the field of Compensation.

  An arsenal of undetectable diseases stands at your disposal as a result of their efforts: Kangaroo Paw, Mediterranean Back, Permanent Migraine, Gastro, Colic, Reflux, Colitis, RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury), TOAD (Tool Operating Allergy Distress) and Compensation Neurosis, to name but a few.

  The discoveries themselves have often come in the simplest of ways to the simplest of people, people who until then were sublimely innocent and unsuspecting of the powerful talent that lay within them. And like so many great discoveries, they were often the result of mere chance.

  It happened to me.

  One day I met up with an old friend I had not sighted for a while and who now lived in a luxury house and didn't seem to work very hard. Two years before we were factory workmates. Now I looked around the friend's home and asked in amazement:
  "How did you do it? I haven't even been able to save a deposit on a bedsit."
  "That's because you go about it the wrong way."
  "What do you mean?"

  The friend took a step nearer: "Are you sure you're feeling okay, Bob? It must be pretty hazardous work you're doing."
  "No, no, I'm just packing 250 gram tins into small boxes."
  "I bet there's a lot of bending and lifting."
  "No, they come along an assembly line and you just pick them up and plop them in. They've even supplied us with adjustable seating."
  "Adjustable, eh?" mused the friend. "These modern contraptions can be pretty dangerous, I heard lots of people get their fingers broken trying to move the seats up and down."
  "No, no, it's all quite easy ‹ they're on air-cushions and there's a lever."
  "A lever!" said the friend meaningfully.
  "A lever!" echoed the spouse who until then was totally silent. "And how many times a day do you have to bend down to move the lever?"

  Like in the case of Stevenson, Pasteur and Sarich, potential inspiration struck. "Oh, yes! What with the repetition of putting the cans into boxes and having to move the lever up and down all the time, I reckon it could be really bad for me!"
  "Yes! Something like that happened to me!" said my friend.
  "And me!" chimed in the spouse.
  "And me!" added the daughter.
  Congratulations all around.

  My friends were adamant. "Don't go into work any more until you fix the problem."
  "But I need the job to pay my bills."
  "No, Bob, this is serious, what you need is to get on top of the situation. You're not within a cooee of working for the next five years."

  The discovery could have made history and could now bear my name but for the fact that on the way out I tripped on their stairs and broke my collar bone.

  And unfortunately they didn't have insurance.

As a good Australian you can do your bit too by discovering a new Undetectable Disease. With luck you can build an entire career on this and even enter politics. With judicious approach you can perfect the technique of never having to work again.

  Take note, however, that the precise guidelines set out by the ACA (Australian Compo Association) for such discoveries are stringent and the four basic rules must be rigidly adhered to:

In the early stages the malady must be totally undetectable by scientific means yet must still qualify the sufferer to take a couple hours off work each day.
As time passes the condition must not cause any serious pain to the claimant yet should appear severe enough to support a sizeable claim for compensation.
The illness should have a built-in deterioration factor so that after a few months of futile treatment, a year's time off from work on full pay is the only solution.
The ultimate test of an undetectable disease is whether or not it can be eventually pronounced incurable and permit you to live on compo for the rest of your working life.

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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