Bringing down children

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Bringing down children
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Some countries, like Italy and France, hold to the belief that children can be born with special talents or aptitudes. In Russia and Japan it is believed that children trained from a tender age will show marvellous abilities. Australians, imbued as they are with the spirit of fairness, hold both these views to be untrue. In Australia, it is believed that not only are children all born the same, but that they must also be actively discouraged from becoming in any way different, more capable or better than their peers.

While overseas the aim is to bring children up, in Australia the idea is to bring them down.

The process has a few basic steps.

Childhood ought to consist of a series of "don'ts", uttered clearly and with dramatic authority from early infancy.

(It' actually the middle classes who say "don't" to children. The upper classes prefer to say "do", i.e.:
- Don't bother me! (middle class)
- Do sit still! (upper class)
- Don't touch anything on the shelves! (middle class)
- Do help mummy with the shopping! (shopping class) )
Under ideal conditions, "don't" should be the very first word a baby hears. The purpose is to impart on the child a vague feeling of guilt for every one of its actions, by never explaining what it is that's wrong.
If children show a natural passion for playing the piano, writing poems or leaping over tall fences, it's important to force them to spend as much time and energy as possible away from the things they're good at or have a talent for, in the hope that they'll lose interest or become too discouraged to go on.

"What are you up to?"
"Practising."
"What, again?"
"I'm sorry."
"You'd be better off doing something else."
Should they persist in doing things they're talented at, keep pointing out all the difficulties that lie ahead. Advise them to get involved with backyard cricket, pinball machines or the local pool instead. Explain that by being good just at the one thing will make them boring and unpopular with friends.
No one quite understands why some Australian children are born with a competitive spirit. Often terribly normal families bring forth kids who want to succeed in life for no explainable reason. Baffled parents have been urging the Government to study the problem for years. The affliction strikes at random and blights the unlikeliest youngsters. You may care to try the following popular remedies:
(a) Don't put any energy into developing the children;
(b) Keep them in a learn-free cocoon for as long as possible;
(c) Make certain they grow up no better than yourself - the motto here ought to be: I want my children to have all the things I've had, but no more.
Most importantly don't forget the golden rule of child rearing in Australia: you're best not to teach kids too much as that might give them an unfair advantage over others.

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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