Bully Beef

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Bully Beef
In Saudi Arabia public intimidation and bullying and even torturing in the streets is quite acceptable but walking around without clothes isn't. The Saudis say: Intimidation is part of the human order. Nakedness is not for public display.

  Australians believe just the opposite: Human bodies are natural. Bullish behaviour is an affront to the public. You may take virtually all your clothes off on Bondi Beach or in the middle of Collins Street but you are not allowed to publicly intimidate people in any way.

  But of course Saudis do take their clothes off in private and Australians do intimidate and bully each other in private.

  If you want to make it big, therefore, your behaviour in public should always be unfailingly modest. Australia is a parliamentary democracy and you are a democratic person. Everyone's view is important. The little man or woman always get a hearing. Do not raise your voice to put forward your views in any public discussion. Stand up for the rights of the individual.

  Your democratic monologue must consist of a series of expressions and cliches that clothe loosely the violence of your views and opinions just as those tent outfits clothe the Saudis.

  "I respect everybody. I won't make up my mind until I hear all sides. The underprivileged have the same rights as everyone else."

  Facial appearance here is critical. Mask what is happening inside you at all times by maintaining the same facial posture for all occasions. Lack of expression is important because even the slightest twitch could give your real character away. But do not worry. With muscle inflexibility, your potential range of expression can still be quite versatile:
  a) Stern.
  b) Stern and red.

  In many other countries people are proud of their bullies and hold them up as national heroes. Austrians admire nothing more than Beethoven's impossible temper. The British are prouder of their swaggering Henry VIII than of any other monarch. The domineering Morgan and Rockefeller are paragons of American business behaviour.   Don't expect it in Australia.

  Here you must never intimidate anyone in public because Australians are fair-minded people who will automatically go to the defence of the person being aggressed.

  Here politicians are admired for their restrained character, business tycoons for their amicability and heads of corporations for their inoffensive blandness.

  It is the reason why all the great and wise politicians of this country, as well as its sensitive artists and affluent business people know always to shout and rant and rave behind closed doors only and then only at favourite family members, trusted colleagues, policy advisors and party underlings, who can be relied upon for a nice obliging inferiority complex and a hefty dose of masochistic discretion.

  Abusing for hours on end faithful secretaries, cowed board-members, terrorised assistants and oppressed family members has been going on with great fervour for the past two hundred years, in soundproofed rooms or inaccessible offices,

  "Whaaaaat the bloooooody hell is thiiiiiis? What do you call these things on my desk? Are you off your rocker or something? Why do you think I made you chief? So that every time you open your mouth some idiot can start talking? As for you I don't know how you got this job! Ignorance is crowding out what's left of your brains, mate! You're as thick as pea soup with a dead dog in it! I'm going to nail your tongue to the dunny door! Don't you ever do that again! And as for you, permanent whatever you are, I've come to the conclusion that you're what society gets from having sex with green monkeys! One more stunt like that and I'll have the cops shove a snag down your throat and send a pack of dingos up your rear to chase after it! Look at you lot, oh god! Just bums! That's all I can get to work with! Nothing but bums! You couldn't find your way out of a biodegradable plastic bag, you lot! And take that smirk off your face, Miss String of Degrees! I don't care how many people voted you in, to me you're still just something that was pissed up against the wall and hatched in the sun! If that stuff is not on my desk in two hours I'm going to have all of you towed out to Portsea and sent snorkelling!"

  You shouldn't care, of course, about the opinions of those close to you, only about the fact that someone who has met the sister of the store manager whose driver delivers your groceries should go on saying things about you such as:
  "You couldn't find a nicer bloke."
  "She's a true lady."
  "What a terrifically democratic person."

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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