The Great Australian Brain Drain

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

The Great Australian Brain Drain
In other parts of the world it is understood that the human brain is capable of containing an unlimited amount of information and knowledge. But in Australia the brain is understood to be made of a highly strained and pressurised substance so that even by adding the slightest amount of information an overload can occur and cause the brain immediate collapse.

  Hence you must understand that when people say: "I can't deal with that at the moment" or "I've got too much on my mind", "Come on mate, I'm not Einstein", they are demonstrating to you the unique construction of the antipodean brain.

  Australians are very selective about the information they put into their brains because they know that the brain is already full and taxed to the limit. After all you can't fit more than a pint of beer into a schooner. For this reason you have to give plenty of notice so parts of the brain can be drained in order that new information may be fitted in. Hence when you ask Australians to do something, they invariably need time to do some draining. This is evident in that most complex of exercises: inviting an Australian to do something on impulse.
  "Would you like to sit down?"

  There is a pause. Then the reply trickles out in jerks.
  "Er, thanks, no... I don't think I can... Er... Um... I really should be going... I don't think... I'm a bit of an aah... In a bit of a hur... But then... I s'pose... Maybe just for... No, I better no... Er..."

  Let us examine the situation.

  The face, for one, manifests a startled look. The eyebrows drop and draw together as if in fright. The mouth either thins down or disappears altogether. The eyes acquire the look of a tinted limousine window. The jaw muscles set square like an Armaguard van. The voice becomes slightly indignant.

  So what exactly is happening here? Are they in pain? This is not the case. They are merely in the initial stages of draining. Looking at it from the inside, the process goes something like this:
  "Oh, this person has just asked me to sit down... I wonder what they mean?... (Impossible to understand at this stage because brain is already full) Am I being ordered around?... Am I being exploited?... Why should I have to sit down?... (Brain starts draining process) Oh, that's right, I am a guest... (Minimum amount of space being created) I better sit down then... (Accidental reversal of the process, brain stops draining) But not just yet because I am not ready to do that yet... And I don't want this person to think I'm easy or that I can be pushed around... (Brain starts emptying once again) I suppose I could sit down now but I don't think there's any particular hurry is there?...."

  After investigating extensively the Australian concept of the brain, the following conclusions may be drawn about its imagined workings in the antipodes:

  The brain can only accept new information provided room is made for it.

  Once people consider themselves reasonably intelligent, the only way they can be told or taught anything new is if they are given plenty of notice, so that they may drain the brain a bit.

  The young must be protected from having their brains overfilled in case the lining of their cerebellum cracks under the strain, and the information dribbles willy-nilly into their young tender bodies.

  The less often you have to drain the brain, the happier the childhood.

  Remember, though on weekdays the brain must be drained each night so that in the morning life and relationships may be started afresh, on weekends the brain must be kept hermetically sealed.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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