How To Be Moody

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

How To Be Moody
The Chinese will always greet you with the same degree of warmth. The Swiss, on the other hand, take a lot of trouble over their surliness, hoping that it will keep them neutral for another 800 years. A Brazilian would not dream of being anything but casual and friendly. In fact, in most places around the Globe, steadiness of temperament is held up to be a virtue.

  The people in this country, however, being of the freedom-loving kind, do not believe in restricting themselves to such constant behaviour. Instead, as true sons and daughters of the great outdoors, they take their cue for personal relationships from... the weather.

  In order to be in complete harmony with the elements, everyone has learnt to alter their moods rapidly and without prior warning. Having grown up in the unpredictable climate of the Fifth Continent, they feel that it is unnatural to be constant and that one ought to be suspicious of people who are.

  I would advise all confused uninitiated tourists and newcomers: abandon your old-fashioned constant ways and adopt moodiness as your new method of communication. This will not only repress more successfully those around you, but will also help instil a constant sense of guilt in everyone - a guilt which, being secret, is likely to cement society even closer together.

  Like the tropical cyclones that descend on this country out of the blue, moodiness is at its most effective when used for no apparent reason. There should never be any hint of an explanation. Never venture a motive for it.
  "You look upset all of a sudden."
  "It's nothing."
  "Was it something I said?"
  "I just realised that I've got to leave. I've got another appointment."
  "But you said you had a free afternoon."
  "Maybe I have. I'm not sure."

  The aim of most moodiness, of course, is tension, tension and more tension. Yoga and other mystical fashions began to lose much of their popularity here when it was discovered that, with their emphasis on relaxation, they were cutting into people's moodiness and causing highly suspicious behaviour.
  "You laughing at me or something, mate?"
  "No, no, I am just beatifically happy."
  "You were pretty happy this morning as well."
  "It's this new inner peace I've found."
  "Well, I better not find you laughing at me next time I see you."

  In Latin America, archaeologists point with great pride at the achievements of the Aztecs and the Incas, who built great cities and palaces yet were ignorant of the wheel. In a like vein, future archeologists might unearth with consternation upon these shores an almost mythical and smoothly run society, a society where constant mood was virtually unknown.

Moodiness is also used in the family, generally on young impressionable children before their ability for even temper has been developed.
  "Hi, mum! I'm home!"
  "Oh. It's you."
  "Sure it's me. Wait till I show you this!"
  "Not now. I'm in a Bad Mood."
  "Later then?"
  "Let's just hope you're a good boy and don't upset me."

  By this method, the child quickly learns that not only has moodiness the ability to instil guilt in the moodee (that is, the person being mooded upon) but that anything new or interesting or different should be met with a repertory of moods that will, hopefully, prevent others from persisting with their ideas, or asking for your help.

  Should someone come out with something like "Hello, Jim, I've been meaning to talk to you seriously", the silly, incoherent mood of neurotic giggles ought to be called into action. Suddenly everything is amusing. Wave your arms madly and try to stop the other person from saying anything important.

  If this does not work, it is advisable to act as if you can hardly remember anything. For this purpose look fierce or frown. Grimaces achieved by stretching lips and baring teeth are also effective. Scratching parts of the body is good, but not the crotch area as it is too Mediterranean.

  If still not successful, try the blank mood. This is a distracted gaze, one that implies both toothache and a case of mistaken identity.

  Last resort: the punch-up, the ultimate mood. What "the blues" are to American blacks, "world-sorrow" to Romantic poets, or "satori" to Zens, the punch-up is to Australians. Its unexpectedness and general baselessness make it endearingly antipodean.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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