How To Avoid People

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

How To Avoid People
Australians are a cordial and friendly people who seem to more than welcome you into their midst. This natural openness should not be abused, however, and you'd be well-advised to practise the restraint that's clearly expected and deserved.

On Trains And Buses

Always sit on your own, as far away as possible from other passengers. This will show that you are both serious and self contained. Do not stare about you, fidget or hum in the manner of may overseas travellers. It's best to gaze at some unseen, inner landscape, as if in a trance.

Only when the entire bus or carriage is filled in this way is it permissible to sit next to others. You may now take a seat next to a stranger, but only with the utmost reserve and nervous uncertainty. Ensure that no part of your body or clothing touches theirs. Pick on passengers not out of any personal preference but because they: a) seem the least offensive; b) are not talking to themselves; c) look as if they're about to hop off.

Standing In Queues

Do not attempt to engage anyone in conversation while queuing up at a bank, a government office or some other public place. It might be acceptable to launch into a discussion with perfect strangers in Zagreb or Naples; many insecure Europeans, who've never met before, often end up having drinks together or beginning lifelong friendships, simply through asking each other the time.

Australians, self-assured inhabitants of the world's largest isle, have no such immature habits and feel no need to communicate with strangers. On the contrary, since being singled out makes them feel ridiculous, people think it rather important to put unknown persons in their place and force them to realise that it is just what they ought to remain - unknown.

In The Street

Should others approach you, the situation could be equally tricky. You're standing on a street corner, for example with four of your girlfriends or mates. A well-dressed stranger with an open face walks up to you, wanting some information.

  What are you to do?

  Look quizzically with a frowning stare at your four friends who, all being of a like mind with yourself, will simultaneously return the same look to you. This long silent pause is essential to put the friendly stranger ill at ease.

  When you're satisfied that this has happened, issue a series of non-lexical sounds as slowly as possible. "Um, gee, aaah, errr..."

  Now pass the responsibility on to the person next to you: "Errr... Ron, you'd know something about that..." (This well-rehearsed exchange is constantly practised in the home, where Mum and Dad are always "passing the buck" to each other.)

  Be very careful not to return the stranger's friendliness as that could embarrass your friends. The conversation, already staggering, should now collapse completely.

  Keep in mind that Australians in their childhood are incessantly told to beware of people, never to talk to anybody with too friendly a smile on their face, and to ignore those who wish to engage them in conversation. Sure, you might miss out on a few boiled lollies, but think of the successful way you can overcome the three greatest perils of growing up: a) finding out new information; b) making new friends; c) learning to cope with life through spontaneity and charm.

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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