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Treborlang
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Get Yourself An Artistic Licence

Should you decide to become a purveyor of the Arts, it would be in your better interests to follow the basic rules that make general entertainment both unique and peculiarly antipodean. Here are some suggestions.

Classical Drama

When presenting a classical play, you must change it beyond recognition, so as to cause the audience to wonder why on earth the work became famous in the first place. You must also call this new mess an ³updated adaptation². It is quite acceptable to treat the author and the public as morons.

Classical Music

If possible, never tune a piano correctly for either concerts or recitals, in order to be able to test the musical sensibilities of the audience to the fullest. Also, overseas soloists should be instructed that the real purpose of applause is not to show appreciation but to see, as a matter of principle, just how many encores may be squeezed out of a jet-lagged and otherwise exhausted performer.

Movies

Every few decades, people like to get together and decide to have an Australian film industry. This is necessary as all previous efforts to make internationally big films have had to be abandoned.

  The following are generally to blame: American distributors, greedy unions, the poms, the brain drain, lack of talent, small budgets, too many films, not enough films, poor scripts, too many producers, unscrupulous investors, public apathy, interference, rising wages, the falling dollar and the general distaste for all previous generations.

  Currently the industry is being helped along by a sudden upsurge in script writers. Whereas before the war it was fashionable to write poems, nowadays it is the fashion to write film scripts. This is an excellent cure for broken hearts or for those recovering from a shattering divorce. But no matter how therapeutic writing a film script might be, you must try to please Australian producers and distributors.

  To start with your contemporary film scenario ought to have the following basic ingredients: a hero who suffers from unspoken resentments, gets into trouble with the authorities, and has never read a book in his life; and a heroine who cannot cook, is not too pretty, and has sex no more than twice a year.

  Should the film be set in some exotic location such as the Far East or Turkey, it is vital that the hero never falls in love with or even gets close to one of the locals. It is best if he doesn't fall in love with anyone at all, unless it be with a rusting motor car at the back of a paddock or a horse that's given him the best years of its life.

  Whether at home or on location, his company must always be strictly anglo-saxon (with a dash of Celtic to keep grandpa happy), comprised of people called Terry, Duncan and Mike to whom he is obviously superior, but who are the only ones able to supply him with the monosyllabic conversation he needs with his beer.

  Should the film be a costume drama set in some earlier period of Australian history, make sure your present a picture of the past which is historically both unlikely and flattering. No mention must be made of loneliness, pathetic alcoholism or rampant homosexuality.   Instead you ought to present characters in immaculately tailored period costumes, living in stylishly colour-coordinated homes. They must never swear or sport disgusting personal habits.

Art Galleries

Art galleries should, as a rule, be situated in narrow, inaccessible lanes or built along busy clearways, a half hour's walk from the nearest parking. It is advisable to employ assistants who can make clients feel inferior and stupid. If such are unavailable, hire a pretty teenage boy.


 Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

[RT pic] Robert
Treborlang
Australia		 Roddy The Rooster
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