Advanced Greeting Rituals

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

Advanced Greeting Rituals
Friends, meeting by chance after not seeing each other for a variety of reasons, and for periods that could stretch from a few hours to thirty-five years, always go through an intricate ritual that is not necessarily known for its coherence.

It is important to study this rite, as you may be called upon at a moment's notice to join in. For men, it will very likely take place in a public bar, i.e. in the presence of males only - all initiates of the ritual exchange.

The Inarticulate Style

This greeting ritual is conducted in a low key by two friends of any age. Let us say that you are former members of the same football club and now encounter each other about three times a year. As usual, it is in a crowded hotel.
  "How's it going, Phil?"
  "Great. How's it going, Mike?"
  "No complaints."
  "That's good."
  "Keeping fit?"
  "Just fine. And you?"
  "Fair enough."
  "Anything new?"
  "Anything new with you?"
  "About the same."
  "Same here."
  "It's great to see you."
  "Great to see you too."

  The ritual ends when you part, saying, "See you later, Mike", and "See you around, Phil", or when someone suddenly breaks into actual conversation. Then there is no stopping them until they have replayed every football grand-final for the past ten years and checked through every racing bet they intend to lay that weekend.

The Old Mate Style

This greeting is extremely loud and involves much vigorous back-slapping and punching on arms and shoulders, as well as a fair bit of shadow boxing. Let us say that two mates, meeting at a car auction, haven't seen each other since the previous sale.
  "Hide the babes in arms! Look who they've let out of the desert! It's Dingo Bob!"
  "Stone the parched crows! Gazza Bluey! You rotten old codger! Fancy seeing you here!"
  "Crikey! Fancy seeing you, you bastard! Getting any, mate?"
  "Climbing trees to get away from it! What about you, mate? Getting any?"
  "Got to swim under water to dodge it!"
  "You look as if you couldn't crack hardy!"
  "No worries, mate! I've been so busy, I had to put a man on!"
  "Same old Bluey!"
  "Same old Dingo!"

  This ritual continues until one says, "Remember the time we..." Then the real talking starts and goes on forever.

The Itemised Style

This style of greeting is practised by two people full of concern for their respective associates, who cannot think of anything else to say. For example, two people who haven't seen each other since they spent the annual holidays together (in a caravan park in Queensland), might go through the following:
  "Hi, Barbara. How's Phil?"
  "Hi, Rose. Phil's arm mended just fine. How's Mike?"
  "Terrific, Barb. He's managed to rebuild the whole van. What about little Trent, got over his mushroom poisoning?"
  "No problem. Peter and Kerrie got over their diarrhoea, I hope?"
  "Right as rain. What about Tom's bronchitis?"
  "Hardly ever wheezes these days. And how is Daisy?"
  "Hasn't bitten anyone since. And how was your Mum's operation?"
  "Great. Open heart surgery really agrees with her. What about your Uncle Bill?"
  "He's fine too. They're just about to give him back his licence. And your sister Bev?"
  "Oh, great. Still on crutches, but looking forward to next year's trip."

Copyright © 1991-2002 - Robert Treborlang

Robert
Treborlang
Australia

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